I was shooting earlier this week with my friend Phil the Greek and asked him if he could ask his wife to help you guys over there out just a little bit.He said he would see what he could do.Good News especially for Lowell is, she has decided to take action, to rescue from your plight.



To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.


Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).


Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.


A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.


To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)


1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.


2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').


3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.




5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.




7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.




8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.


9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.


10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.




12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body Armour like a bunch of Nancies). Don't try rugby - the Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Aussies first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.




15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily 'Tea Time' begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

Hope this finds you all in good humour, have a great weekend knowing you have been saved.
Trustworthy subjects MAY be allowed to visit Shropshire subject of passing Jack Rabbit's selection process.

Wonferfull! We needed a little humor long about now.

Thanks, Cary

You forgot #17:

Abolish dentistry. Tooth brushing is limited to once a week and no flossing.

well, cinqo de mayo seems to be replacing july 4th anyway.

kevin costner as robin hood must have really driven you guys nuts then, huh?

the worst part of your conditions is probably the vinegar on "chips". that crap's nasty.

roger

Yes, it's possible the new administration might just ban every type of gun under the sun here except one; and as every good English subject will attest to, we still know how to make a Kentucky Rifle!!

I love the British sense of humour. U really are a droll lot, to be sure.

I am okay with Elizabeth. Not as enthused about Charles. Any male who wishes he was a tampon apparently suffers from a bit too much inbreeding.

In politics and comedy timing is everything. So where were you with this bright idea eight years ago?

With regard to potato chips, a chef in Saratoga NY (you may recall Saratoga as the site of a bit of a misunderstanding between a handful of rebellious American farmers and you lot in back in 1777) invented them so we can call them whatever we want. So there.

And baseball is played in Canada and Japan. I can see Canada from my house, and I drive a Japanese car so I'm an expert on both Canada and Japan. So there again.

I'll concede the points on beer and Yank actors with bad British accents, though.

Yeah, we already know. His name is Barack Obama. No wonder you poms like him so much.

I love it. You are a clever fellow. I hope this means we can now buy expensive English guns with pounds instead of those weak dollars we used to have.

The £ound is already on the drop and the $ is on the up.But both of our monies are struggling against the Euro.Henceforth known as the Urine as the French *iss me off over everything.Glenthorne is maintaining a Lowell profile, I expected a vitriolic blast from him by now????

Quote:
"I was shooting earlier this week with my friend Phil the Greek"

Salopian:
Oh Oh I'm afraid you're guilty of making a racist remark here. Just think of how many Greeks feelings you just hurt. And further more you're cut off. No more Ouzo or Gyros for you and Zorba may be paying you a visit real soon. Spiro Agnew is rolling over in his grave.
I'm sure our keepers of political correctness Pete M et.al. will be along shortly to remind you this is an Internet forum and disparaging an ethnic group like Greeks just isn't Kosher.
Wait a minute: Can I use a word like "kosher" here without upsetting someone?
Jim

Saloplain

I worked for a Brit. and he really knew how to use curse words like a master. I was in awe of him and his many different words for a lot of things. Very funny post.

Regards, Gordon

Thank God, Kansas was excepted! We dont like boiled beef. AND, we Canadians have everything pretty much under control.

Some points well made (and well taken) from the Britain that used to be Great. And to show there is humour on both sides of the big pond I refer interested parties to my new book @ Chapter 17: "Apple Pie versus Spotted Dick."

Meanwhile, I like the part about disbanding the House and Senate as presently constituted, but I fear that trading Congress for Parliament would be like swapping a mild headache for a terminal upset stomach.

As I recall, the venerable sport of fox hunting while riding horses in company with hounds was outlawed in England and Wales in 2004, when the popularly elected members of Parliament trumped the House of Lords. Thus ended the Englishman's "first and noblest amusement" that traced back a thousand years. The law was not to save Reynard anxiety or pain (they can still be trapped, shot, or poisoned as vermin), but to deny sportsmen their pleasure. Thus the part about registering vegetable graters is understood in context.

As to the Oxford Dictionary, sorry, but the plural of "teal" is "teal," not "teals" [sic]. However, my Webster's does cross-reference "humour" as being the pretentious spelling of humor (in the context of an American shop being an "Olde Edglish Shoppe"). My Spell Checker here wants to reject the red-lined over-use of the letter "u." Perhaps if the Brits weren't squandering their "U's" their petrol would be cheaper.

(1) As to the correct pronunciation of "aluminium" [sic], the spoken language should be left to those who can spell it correctly, and especially the people who actually smelt the stuff (ALCOA).

(3) Perhaps the Oxford Spell Checker can do a default swap of "bloody" for "like, you know..."

(6) For the life of me I can't imagine why the English, or anyone else, cares about the mile or foot or inch, or metric-like yard. When the Brits had twenty shillings to the pound and umpteen pence to the shilling and a sixpence and guinea and a quid, we Americans found it humourous (note the excessive "u"), but we didn't rag on the subject.

Several years ago I was down in Trinidad on my boat for the hollidays, and was invited to another boat for New Years Eve. Everybody at the party except my wife and myself were European or British. I spent the whole evening fending off protests from Danes and Germans and Brits about America not adopting the metric system. You would think the Germans would be concerned about the American military still camping out on their soil, or the Danes about the fact that nobody really knows where their small country is, or whether they produce anything besides Danish Butter Cookies. Suffice it to say that I put up a good fight that night and the issue was not resolved...ho, hum.

(8/9) Please! I'll be willing to allow that calling gasoline "petrol" (short for petroleum) is just oblique jargon in the context of calling kerosene "paraffin," but being advised by someone from the British Isles on gustatory topics loses something in the translation. When I think of "English cuisine" the first thing that comes to mind is "oxymoron." Please be advised that Burger King is about all Americans know about British cooking...and warm beer...gimme a break!

(6/11) Removing ears with a cheese grater after watching a movie and licensing vegetable peelers got me to thinking that the Prince of Wales might benefit from some ear grating...and maybe it's time for the Non-Virgin Queen Elizabeth to give the kid a chance, before he dies of old age.

(12/13) Give up football and baseball?!: Now you hit a nerve. We have invaded countries with less provocation. Actually we do allow soccer here as a sop for those who are, let's say, "less adept." You always hear about "soccer moms," but never baseball moms or football moms...I wonder why? And cricket, if one of the bowlers could ever throw a proper pitch he might be entry level for the minor leagues and start making some real coin of the realm. The big sports problem here is that Monday Night football is no longer on network TV...if the Queen could fix this maybe we'd have something to discuss.

(16) As to "tea time" [sic}, it's tee time that strikes the responsive chord hereabouts, and I don't even play golf. But I do recall once being in the presence of "tea timers" in the BWI's. My wife and I stopped by a cricket match, having no idea of the nuances of play. This was Anguilla in 1982, when all the faces were black. As we sat down next to a big prosperous-looking black guy, the game promptly ceased and the players left the field. Our first thoughts were that they weren't going to play for "whitey." I asked the big guy, "what gives...?" He reached into his cooler, pulled out a cold beer, and handed it to me, saying "Tea time."

So here we are, as Churchill (not the gun maker) said, "...two peoples separated by a common language. Perhaps in the spirit of Anglo-American homogeny I'll treat my wife to dinner at a fine British restaurant. But, wait! There is no such thing. We have Italian, Mexican, French, East Indian, Chinese, Japanese, and every other country and sub-culture under the sun. She says No! to Burger King. Sorry. Looks like Mexican tonight (to honor all our recent arrivals). But for dessert we do have one last can of Heinz's "Spotted Dick"...maybe we'll hum a few bars of "God save the Queen."

EDM

Salopian, you snobby ol'fart!
Been out testing my peashooter(17Hmr) in full urban mutted heather camo attire.
Laying low for now, and keepin' an eye out for dem Euro-nator spies.

Salopian, will we have to use "whilst" for while? Will we have to keep saying "sorry" all the time? Finally, will we all have to eat "stinking Cockney eel pie". A fate worse than death.
nial

First you must understand that as soon as you take us back you must catch up with your long over due entitlements. 300 million people needing free health care should be no great expense for the British to pay for, plus the last overdue ten or twenty years. Oh yes, all the dole you need to pay should be a right decent amount. Then we need to discuss the 15 million illegals who are ready to move into the homeland. As a bonus we will allow you to have all the liberal actors whom seem to think we care what they say or think about any issues in a election.

All this on an economy that is shrinking. I say we should just send France the bill for saving it twice and split the money.

Number 14 question- If you really must know who killed the Kennedys )John Fitzgerald, Bobby, Mary Jo Kopechne (oops, my bad, it was the chubby little Teddy that caused that, eh what!- why, old chap, just sit down with a pint with the Graduate of the London School of Economics- a lad who may have a clone here in the Colonies- that being Steve Tyler. Both parade on stage, microphone in one hand, strutting around like reptured chickens and making $ hand over fist. Of course, I am referring to Sir Mick Jagger!

He knew who killed the Kennedys-sang about it in the best song he most likely ever wrote- "Sympathy For The Devil"- Must be something in your Porters and Stouts- we lost Hendrix, but Keith Richards and Eric Patrick Clapton would have put our "Wee Willie Nelson" to bed many a time on drugs, sex and R and R!

Do we get to use Lord Muckinfutch's matched pair of Purdeys on the "Glorious 12th." if we surrend our more "Glorious Fourth"?? Pip Pip and stiff upper lip there Jeevsie Old Boy!! RWTF

Post deleted by Run With The Fox

Here! Here! Bloody marvelous! It is so good to be a loyal subject of HRH again! Perhaps we can deal with some of the financial miscreats as was done with Admiral Blyn. Pour encoureger les authres.

Pete, I'm tolerant of revisionist spelling but a stickler for strict constructionist phoneticism. I think everyone says AL u MIN i um unless they spelt a LUM i NUM or AL u MIN i MUM or a LUN i MUN in which case I think that's what they must have spelt to say. It's important to remember that all the birds on the Galopagos are still birds.

Ta!

Spent "the Summer of Love" (1968) hitchhiking around the British Isles with my bride. Stayed in homes recommended by the local fuzz (mainly their old mums and aunties) and in "commercial travelers'" hotels.

I'm not entirely sure that I actually met an "English" person, in all that time, although I met folks with roots in Man, Orkney, Ulster, Malta, Jamaica, Poland, and others I've forgotten.

We DID run across some people who were so polite and mumbled so softly that we were never actually able to identify them....Possibly natives of the Islas Malvinas taking a break from their flocks?

I remember the beer as not worth much, but then we were used to the well-named "frozen gnat piss" that passed for US beer in them days. The cider you could get in any pub was more like it. I spent a lot of time walking backward with my thumb draggin the air, and the cider seemed to help that orientation. It also helped me stay on the correct side of the road, which no normal person can actually do "clean and sober."

In general we were treated like rather strange and dim-witted relatives who had dropped in from a far county and needed to be fed up and coddled. The commercial travelers had lots of mouldy jokes about Yanks left over from The Big One which they generously shared at breakfast (actually quite hilarious to someone who missed It).

I saw lots of doubles and LOTS OF GAME, which quite surprised me.

Then we got to Ireland and the first thing I heard was some old cat cussing me out about US Vietnam policy in an entirely audible volume. "Back to reality" says I.

I have never understood the English passion for eating animal's internal organs...or external if you include "spotted dick". Sounds like a diseased one for sure.

But worst of all is that "soccer" game which is truely the most BORING game EVER! Now you should add sticks to it and give every player the right of a free foul in each half and if played on ice might be partially acceptable.

As far as your socialist leader, we have them already and we shall KEEP our guns as they shall be needed soon enough, I fear.

The thing is with the Brits, you never get a straight answer here as to what rifles they can actually keep in their home. Do rifles need to stored at the local police station when not in use, does the amount of acres dictate the power of rifle and so on. What I've read on UK rec. shooting, and what is told here - are sometimes two different stories!

Post deleted by Run With The Fox

Lowell,
No it is not as bad as people will have you believe here in the UK.Shotguns are no problem to have and to own and use for game and clays.
Rifles as with shotguns you have to give good reason to have one and that is really all there is to it.Large calibre rifles are no problem to own if you are a target shooter.If you are a hunter you have to prove you have suitable land to fire that size of calibre on, easily done if you buy a days hunting on an estate or get written permission to shoot over someones land either farm or moor.

Salopian, what about semi-auto shotguns and pumps. Are you allowed to possess these, or just doubles?..Geo


I presume handguns are out of the question???

Salopian,
the impression i get from reading "Sporting Gun" (the only gun rag i'll even pick up now) is that the UK has some outstanding wing shooting, exceeding what the bag limits here allow and we should be envious of, that people can own firearms and use them. but there does seem to be a considerable pain in the a$$ factor associated with the shooting sports that exists solely to generate tax and fee revenues at every step of the process. i.e. things aren't necessarily illegal but the number of desks you have to cross with money to be allowed to own guns and shoot is way out of hand.

roger

Salopian, so what is the deal with storing guns at the popo station??? Do you really have to do that with any of your guns or rifles or handguns or butterknifes and so on???

Tim

fnb25, you know, your impression of the owner's lot in the UK sounds remarkably like life in California....

fnb, that should read "gun owner's life".

Mike, i lived in CA on my own nickel in '83 and '84 and it stuck me that, not just in gun ownership, but in every aspect of life there that was the case. no matter what i wanted to do there were 10,000 people between me and it and at the end of the line was someone from the government standing there demanding money for the privelege of doing it.

the same syndrome exists everywhere of course but not to the same extent in other places i've lived......yet. i have a feeling we'll get there in a few short years now tho.

roger

There are differences between all EU countries on gun ownership, game laws and shooting.
In some EU countries (e.g. Germany) there is an exam based on safety skills, quarry identification, etc., before a license is granted. Neither the UK nor Ireland has that requirement. I do not know of any requirement to “store” guns in a police station.
In the UK some laws are slightly more relaxed than in Ireland, others are tighter. As a result of some conflict taking place in the northern part of this island, in the Ireland of the early 1970’s all rifle calibres above .22 and all handguns were required to be surrendered/placed in police storage. That situation has now changed here and a revision in various laws in 2006 allowed ownership of side arms and larger bore rifles.
In both UK & Ireland it is easier to obtain a shotgun licence than one for a rifle, and generally it is easier to get a rifle license then one for a sidearm. Much of the implementation of the license process is down to the local senior cop, so it varies from district to district. In Ireland a gun safe is mandatory for obtaining a sidearm license.
In Ireland, all guns must be licensed, no exceptions (i.e. even a wall-hanger must be licensed.) In the UK, antiques (pre 1898?) are exempt. In Ireland if a wall-hanger is deactivated it becomes exempt.
In the UK, reloading is quite common. In Ireland, re-loading is not illegal but it must be done under license, which is difficult to obtain (through cop ignorance primarily) and it is almost impossible to obtain the powder/primers. I never have seen reloading equipment on sale here.
In Ireland a license for a shotgun is about USD30 each year, with an additional USD5 for each subsequent shotgun. Once you belong to a gun club, have no criminal record and do not have mental health issues, it is easy to obtain one. If you do not belong to a gun club but have land (as an owner, or over which you have a right to shoot) that will meet license requirements.
The license also specifies whether or not you can shoot game.
In Ireland a license for a rifle is harder to obtain, the larger the calibre the harder it becomes. Membership of a gun/target club is very helpful. There is a need to show why, say a .308 or a .450 is required. A separate licence is needed to shoot deer and although there is no hunters exam requirement, before the State body will lease you shooting rights on State forestry, one must have passed the HCAP (Hunter Competence Assessment Programme)
Licenses for sidearms are harder to obtain but there is a big increase in their sale/ownership. The biggest problem seems to be the disparity in requirements between the different police districts, each of which has a Firearms Officer and each interprets the law differently.
Ownership of a gun safe is a big help, although my local cop prefers that a shotgun is broken down and stored separately. Same for bolts/rifles.
Remember, history, population density statistics, and availability of hunting ground are quite different here to the US, hence the differing requirements..
K.

Well done Salopian for opening up an interesting debate. I notice that nobody has, as yet, objected to being re-permitted to join the old Empire.

Being English, not British; there is a huge difference, I still use Imperial measurements; metric is alright when working out some calculations for convienience and then convert back.

Soccer, is really called Association Football and is a bit of a Girlie Game. Real Football is only played in about three places in England, notably Ashbourne in Derbyshire, which is close to where I live: Google Ashbourne Football to find out more; this is not a Girlie Game and has been illegal since 1300 and something or other but nobody dare stop it. Games last eight hours with goals 3 miles apart and no limit to the number of Players. (For those who can't find it: http://www.ashbourne-town.com/events/football.html )

Baseball is played in England and is called 'Rounders' and IS a Girl's game.

As for taking it all back; we did all that back in 1812 when the cheeky upstarts had a go at us. I count taking the Capital and chasing the President out of his own house a win. http://www.thecanadianencyclopedia.com/index.cfm?PgNm=TCE&Params=A1ARTA0008442 Link provided as I don't think that this is taught in American schools. Lagopus.....

"Differing requirements," is an understatement!
A short phone call and I can walkout with whatever I want that is on the shelves. As a landowner(10acres, or more) I hunt all game free, other than waterfowl with needs a federal stamp.
You guys are under the thumb...big time!
Prolly need a gov't permit to fart - so I'd pipe down about our firearm and game laws.

Lowell.
Sadly, more of your flippant unconsidered views and a non-sequetor. I never commented on either your game or gun laws; I was answering/providing clarity on questions asked above. Typically, you missed the point.

It is easy to start when one has a blank canvas, as the US ensured it had when it took control of the land in North America.
In Europe, we have a longer history. One of my homes has been around for considerably longer than the USA, and while the rights which come with that property might appear quaint, they can be useful, such as the right the game on it and to hunt over it. In England, hunting and weapons control started in the early Norman era, where even nobles had to tie their arrows to their bowstrings when traversing the King’s forest. Many of the citizens of Australia are there because their early 19th century ancestors poached a deer or hare. Someone comes onto my property, I have a right to prosecute them for poaching or trespass. Were they to carry a gun, I can prosecute for "armed trespass" which is a much more serious crime.

Most people in Ireland do not have a problem with our gun laws because they are perceived as reasonable. In Ireland we had a revolution and a civil war within the last 100 years; in my lifetime the arming of fanatics by other fanatics from the US and Libya ensured that we were kept aware of the damage that can be done by weapons in the wrong hands. Frankly, I see no need to own a H&K machine pistol or a Kalashnikov.
K.
FWIW, there was a parliamentary proposal in the early 1900s to have a United States of Great Britain, modelling the legislature on the US system. Some of it, such as the reduction in size and structure of the H. of Lords, has already come to pass.
K.