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Joined: Dec 2001
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Coronavirus...It's Back!!

Department of Health is looking to hire couples married for seven years or more to educate people on social distancing

Toilet paper hoarding explained. Some people are eating their own cooking for the first time in years.

Ladies, time to start dating the older dudes. They can get you in the grocery store early.

After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, I have discovered that wasn’t the reason.

During the Middle Ages, they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies. Does anyone know if they have anything like that planned when this one ends? (Asking for a friend)

The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look.

I trained my dog to fetch beer. It may not sound too impressive but he gets them from the neighbor’s fridge.

A man takes his wife to get tested. Two days later, he gets a call from the lab doctor saying, “I’m sorry to inform you that your wife’s test results were mixed up with another patient’s. We’re not sure if she has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’s diasese. The man says, “So what am I supposed to do now?” “Take her for a long walk and leave her. If she finds her way back home, don’t open the door.”

Covid Vaccine: Who Gets It First?

Sometimes the simplest approach is the best. The vaccine should be given to all politicians FIRST. If they survive, the vaccine is safe. If they don’t the country is safe.

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way. He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical benefits coverage.”

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divoce"

“Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "Because of Coronavirus I was unexpectedly paroled".

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

If 2020 was a math word-problem:--If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

Cronacoaster: (noun) the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.

I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in: “That’s a load of 2020.” or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.”

Dear 2020, first of all, I would like to let you know I’m typing this with my middle finger.

It took “Click It or Ticket” to get people to wear a seatbelt. I wonder if “Mask It or Casket” might work?

Don’t let them take your temperature on your forehead as you enter the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese and came home with two cases of beer.

2020 — the year my trash can went out more than me.

I recommend recalling retired nuns to enforce social distancing.

Masks are the new bra. They’re uncomfortable. You only wear them in public/ And when you don’t wear one, everyone notices.

I got pulled over in the HOV lane for driving alone. I said that due to social distancing, my passenger was in the car behind me.

There isn’t any food…there’s just a bunch of ingredients to make food.

We are not frightened enough to eat tofu yet.

I know y’all think I’m okay…but deep down I just wanna go to a Mexican restaurant again.

Did a load of pajamas so I would have clean work clothes this week.

87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed.

It takes a village to raise a child. It takes a distillery to homeschool one.

For this second phase of this quarantine, do we have to stay with the same family or are they going to relocate us? Asking for a friend.

How soon after waking up is it OK to take a nap?





When an old man dies a library burns to the ground. (Old African proverb)
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Thank you.

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luv hit...


keep it simple and keep it safe...
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Good stuff Joe, thanks.

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laugh laugh laugh

SRH


May God bless America and those who defend her.
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Thanks, Joe! Good to lighten the mood, and that's probably the most accurate assessment of current events available.

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Very good indeed.


David


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all good- especially the "old-timer's" taking the lady for a long walk one--RWTF sick


"The field is the touchstone of the man"..
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Thanks Joe, very enjoyable reading and much needed at this time!
Karl

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Thanks Joe, well played!

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